“I’m the changing man

 Built on shifting sand”   (Paul Weller 1995)

 

 

 

As you might have guessed, from my last post, I have failed to keep the initial “bad things that have happened to me” posts, to three in number. This could be construed as dishonesty, but it was really not pre-meditated and I humbly, beg your forgiveness?  


 As you will have noticed, it’s all rather cheerless so far and this post is even more so! I do promise, though, that things will start brightening up, next time! 

 

You will see my use of the past tense, below.  True – in the sense that I have moved on, from the extreme position described - but I’m not there yet (whatever “there” might mean – see next post).  I haven’t put all my difficulties, absolutely behind me.  Rebuilding, such as it can happen, is a far from smooth journey.  As I have previously alluded to, it has been commenced but it has its ups and downs and there is still a fair way to go!

 

Before I talk a bit more about my post-accident emotional problems there is just something that I must stress.  I have not received any training in psychology and have just picked up (and maybe misunderstood!) a few things along the way.  In so far as this blog touches upon psychology, it represents nothing more than an absolute layperson’s understanding (if that is not an overstatement!) of the stuff.  In so far as I have any thoughts on it, I am aware that I am being simplistic and some of my assumptions are arguable, to say the least.  You will have noticed, for example, that I treat emotions and feelings as synonymous (good enough for me, but probably not so, for others!). As you’ll see, shortly, I treat aspects of our mental function as interrelated. In real life, the extent (or even existence) and nature of that interconnectivity are matters for debate. I will just assume that they are related - in that one aspect can deliberately, be used in order to orchestrate an effect, on another.  

 

That’s quite enough waffling – time to start wallowing! 

 

Let’s move on to my emotional damage:

 

I suffer from alexithymia or emotional confusion.  I can misread the emotions of others and sometimes feel and articulate an unexpected and/or inappropriate emotional response.

 

My really big problem in this area, though, is extreme depression and anxiety. I understand that this is by reason of the physical location of my injuries.

 

A feeling that Phil v2.0 isn’t just new, but he is both new and inadequate. I have felt worthless and that my life is a shadow of its former self.

 

I have grieved for the past and felt directionless and dissatisfied. I have feared for the future and am unsure where life will take me – “built on shifting sand”

 

We are not talking about feeling a bit glum. “Absolutely devastated” is a better expression!

 

Needless to say, some results of an injury are far more apparent than others.  The fact that I am visually impaired is pretty obvious, from my white cane and ability to bump into things, even when sober! So far as psychological functions are concerned, cognitive problems are more readily apparent than are emotional ones.  The fact that my ability to think isn’t too badly affected, is evidenced for example, by me being able to write this blog and it might tempt a person to jump to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with me.  My really big problems are with emotion though, and most of them are very much beneath the surface.  Much emotional dysfunction is a hidden disability – and I don’t help myself by trying to put a brave face on things! With a degree of hindsight, it seems a good idea to be a little straighter with people, and with luck, elicit more sympathy and (more importantly and necessary) support!

 

I imagine that most people would feel rather down about the outcomes mentioned in earlier posts. Bearing in mind my emotional damage, they don’t make me feel “down” – at times they have been overwhelming!

 

Add all this together and I have been in a very bad place

 

Now it took me quite a while to get there, but with the help and encouragement of others, I have managed to reach the conclusion that something needs to be done about this and the process of rebuilding is now underway

 

There are some things that can’t be fixed – I’m not going to see properly again etc.  But mental health is a different issue. My worst problem, by a long way, is emotional damage and this is the one that I really need to work on – and I do believe that at least something can be done about it. All will be revealed …

 

 

 

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