I’m pink, therefore I’m Spam

 

Now think about that …



Strangely enough, Rene Descartes wasn’t talking about tinned pork! What he actually said was “cogito ergo sum”, which translates into “I think therefore I am”.

 

Don’t worry – this isn’t going to be any kind of philosophical discourse (because doing so would be an insurmountable challenge!) In this context, I am just thinking about the expression as a convenient articulation of the importance to us, of thinking. 

 

I wouldn’t go so far as to treat it as the absolute “essence of our existence”, but consider it to be pretty high on the list …

 

Accordingly, I can see any diminution of my cognitive abilities as somehow, making me a lesser person – and that doesn’t exactly help my newfound and negative mental state, to say the least!

 

Of course, the biggest psychological outcome of my injury is emotional damage. Nevertheless, to an extent, thinking has also been adversely affected.

 

My long and short-term memory is very poor indeed. Regarding the former, much of what I have learned (formally and informally) over the years, has been erased and can only be recovered (and then used in my thoughts) through a process of re-learning – this is a significant part of my rehabilitation, but can at times be a tough battle to fight. Additionally, short-term memory difficulties contribute to problems that I now, have in planning and organising. I am now, less able to concentrate and correctly comprehend (is that enough letters “c” for you?!). Lateral thought and the largely unrelated, issue of social interaction have also become rather challenging.

 

As you might imagine, all of this has had a number of consequences, which I perceive as negative – although sometimes, perhaps more so, than ought to be the case. 

 

·      Large memory gaps can be upsetting. Of course, an elimination of bad memories might be a good thing. That said bad memories are part of our ongoing learning process and their erasure can be problematic, in itself. More distressing though, is a very limited retention of good memories. I have no recollection of my youngest son’s birth and scant recall of all of my children growing up. Memories of Christmases, birthdays and family holidays are now blurred or even wiped clean.

 

·      I have already mentioned the fact that I can no longer pursue my chosen career – and this is largely, by reason of diminished thinking abilities.

 

·      I have a real sense that I am now, rather short of intellectual activities.

 

Before we go any further – I am not professing to any intellectual superiority,         whatsoever! It is only a big issue for me, in that I have always treated mental (here - thinking) activity as more important than its physical counterpart.

 

Needless to say, the role of an international lawyer necessitates a pretty intellectual life and that has been taken away from me. There are also plenty of other “highbrow” things that I can no longer do, or only undertake with some difficulty. Furthermore, by reason of problems with social interaction, I now tend to cut myself off from others and a solitary existence is not particularly conducive to intellectual stimulation.

 

Over the last few years, I have however, sought some intellectual compensation and am pleased to report a degree of success:

 

As I’ve mentioned in an earlier post, a number of speaking opportunities have arisen, concerning my brain injury “journey” and I have relished the preparation and delivery of such talks. While I do appreciate that, the current pandemic causes much greater problems for others, it hasn’t helped with this aspect of rebuilding some form of intellectual life – as all prospective talks (and there were a fair few) have been postponed, indefinitely. 


Moving on, and further, I thoroughly enjoy my participation in a book club. I have written, and had published, a couple of short pieces, studied British Sign Language and rekindled a liking for playing Bridge. So, all is not lost!

 

But sadly, gains can slip through our fingers. I’ve already mentioned the loss of speaking opportunities. In addition to that, even before the pandemic, my opportunities to continue BSL studies and to play Bridge had evaporated. 



I shouldn’t be too despondent though, and will end on an upbeat note: I am sure that talks have been postponed, rather than cancelled. I also have little doubt that I will in due course, be able to find some other way of studying sign language and playing Bridge. 

 

And who knows what other things might be around the corner …

 





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