Saturday was of course, May Day.

 

Perhaps needless to say, I didn’t partake of any maypole dancing!

 

In addition to a celebration of an imminent summer, it was also International Workers’ Day – and this prompted a few slightly regretful thoughts ...

 

 With advance apologies, I’m afraid that this post isn’t as upbeat as many of the others. In truth though, I don’t feel too positive, all of the time, and I am keen to paint a balanced picture.

 

The dawning of International Workers’ Day brought (to some extent) into focus a “loss” that I have suffered, by virtue of a transformation to Phil v2.0 – namely the fact that I am no longer able to engage in any remunerated employment.

 

I know that I have said on many occasions that losses can often be re-cast as opportunities.

 

This is most definitely true in the case of my “retirement”. No longer going out to work, has freed up vast amounts of time in which to engage in other activities.

 

This is, of course an opportunity, but it begs the question, of whether my newfound vocational situation, really constitutes a loss (in need of re-casting) at all?

 

Was work, actually so great - so as to stimulate any grieving for it?

 

Arguably not – it was highly stressful, with very long hours. I also worked for much of the time, in London (which is a fair way from my Manchester home!) Accordingly, many hours were spent on trains and in hotels.

 

Before going any further, I do appreciate that my memory has been very badly damaged, and much of this downsidewill have been forgotten. Further, what is actually, remembered tends to be the (possibly rather few and far between) positive aspects of my job, such as extensive foreign travel (including to the Far and Middle East, and to the US – in addition to much of Europe). There are therefore some “rose coloured glasses” that need to be removed.

 

Having discarded them, my work was indeed “highly stressful, with very long hours”.

 

So, is it correct to treat its absence as a loss to be grieved over and re-cast? I am afraid that for myself, the answer is, in part, “yes”. It is something that can indeed prey upon my mind and I do still have some regrets over being unable to pursue my former career. Here are a few reasons why:


·      From early childhood days, many of us (myself included) were brought up in eager anticipation of adult employment – “what do you want to be, when you grow up?”.

 

Note the word “be”. This reflects a common conception of someone being identified by their job. On reflection, I do try to remind myself, that I was not “Phil the lawyer”- I was, and am, just “Phil”. Nevertheless, it isn’t always easy to convince myself absolutely of this, and an absence of employment can at times, feel akin to some identity theft.

 

            

·      It took me a long time and an incredible amount of hard work to reach my eventual job status. All the education received, and experience gained, seems to have gone to waste, in an instant.

 

·      As I have said, I worked very long hours and often, away from home. Strange and undesirable though it may sound, work sometimes felt synonymous with life.  Certain colleagues could almost feel like an additional family. I didn’t necessary like all of them too much, but they are, nevertheless missed.

 

·      I had reached a fairly senior position, in a very major, international law firm. Despite everything else, this was a source of, great personal pride.

 

Through the onward creation of a new life, for Phil v2.0, I am seeking to re-capture some of that pride. There have been some successes, but it can feel like something of an uphill struggle, with 2 hurdles to be overcome:

 

·      First, I have to seek and identify new sources of pride. These will, of course be very different to work related ones

 

·      I then, need to do, whatever it takes to capture some of that pride and become and continue to be aware of this (and experience pleasure, accordingly).

 

    Not always easy, but I’m doing my best ...

 

As you might imagine, my lost career is not the only source of my grief.

 

Grieving is of course, quite natural. In many cases it never reaches a conclusion, beyond an acceptance of the loss. This requires certain mental processes, which I now, find to be rather difficult to apply, effectively. I therefore find myself rather stuck within the grief, with no compensatory acceptance.

 

As alluded to in respect of “pride”, I am learning though, that I am best able to battle my wider grief, through a re-building and living of a new, full and meaningful life.

 

I found writing this post to be quite upsetting - so it’s time to get on with the new life of Phil v2.0!

 

 

 

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