Phil v2.0 – what’s in a name?

 

Bemused as you might be, there is a (very!) loose connection between the picture and the question. Read on...

 

I have talked a lot about having become a changed individual, after the accident, and about now being Phil v2.0.

 

Despite light-hearted reference to that name, I should say that I am often downcast, over this re-designation.

 

Some further reflection in this area, seemed like a good idea, and I would like to share a little of it...

 

In essence, I can grieve a little, over a loss Phil v1.0.

 

There have of course, been significant changes (that are, or can be perceived as, negative) – physical, mental, and circumstantial.

 

Regarding some of the mental changes:

 

I have talked a lot in previous posts, about my depression and overall negativity etc. I’m not going there again, for now.

 

All I am thinking about now, is (real or otherwise) alteration to some positive aspects of my personality.

 

I’ll save negative personality changes for another day – consider yourselves duly warned!

 

Examples of positive personality traits that spring to mind include sociability, hobbies and interests enjoyed, and aesthetic tastes.

 

I do think that all of these have altered, to a greater or lesser degree, but it is worth pausing to consider:

 

·      How much have they, fundamentally changed; and

 

·      Might there be reasons for alteration, beyond them being a direct consequence of my brain injury?

 

So far as my social life is concerned, I have indeed become less sociable and don’t spend a great deal of time with old friends. I have chosen for this to become the case as I now find small talk to be mentally tiring and I can easily become confused and flustered.  I also find it difficult, by reason of memory loss. I find that people, very often reminisce – “do you remember when we did...” Often, I don’t! 

 

That said, one outcome of the injury, is a loss of emotional memory. To an extent, I must relearn a liking (or the opposite!) of a person. Perhaps a good start would be to spend some time with these people...

 

On reflection, I am not entirely anti-social, and do retain a fondness for interpersonal interaction – so not as big an alteration as sometimes seems to me, to be the case.

 

As (I hope!) this blog illustrates, I am working very hard on building a new, full, and worthwhile lifestyle.  I have taken up new activities and these involve much interaction. I find it easier in these circumstances, as what we talk about will often be dictated (to an extent), by what we are doing. I find this degree of focus, makes conversation less taxing than “pub-talk”!

 

There are of course reasons, other than brain injury for an altered social life.  As one gets older everyone’s friendships will alter. We meet new people and might wish to spend more time with them. Other relationships can also drift apart such that we might (perhaps sub-consciously) choose to spend less time with someone, than used to be the case.

 

My hobbies and interests have certainly expanded.  While some things are no longer possible, or, now require adaptation, these are, very much outweighed by new ways of spending my time.

 

A big reason, for all my new activities, is that I now have a lot more time on my hands (loss can = opportunity). Given the importance of behaviour to my emotional well-being, I strive to fill it (not exclusively) with occupation that is a source of pleasure. So, my hobbies and interests might have become far more extensive than used to be the case – what’s not to like!? 

 

Note my earlier use of the word “expanded” and not “diminished”. Yes, a change, but not a negative one!  In this case the question of the extent of alteration is largely, irrelevant

 

Having time to fill does arise from my injury, but it is an indirect consequence; so, I’ll treat it as not counting!

 

Regarding aesthetic tastes – I do believe there has been a change (or at least, a development). I listen to much different music and read books that I would never have touched before my accident.

 

Here’s where the above picture comes in! Once I drag myself away from the computer, I’m going to get on with reading Vilette by Charlotte Bronte. In the old days I was (very wrongly) scornful of Georgian/Victorian “chick-lit”. So much so that I hadn’t read any. I now, really wish that I had! I find that reading the likes of the Brontes, Jane Austen etc, is a wonderful experience.

 

On a recent trip to the Bronte Parsonage Museum, I was almost breathless to see the room in which Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, and Agnes Grey were all written:


Like other hobbies and interests, I now have more time to enjoy reading and the arts. This time permits a greater exploration of new things and discoveries are made, which can be seized upon. Again, a positive change.

 

In any event our tastes will all alter as life goes on.

 

And, as I’ve said before, having more time on my hands, is a totally indirect consequence of my injuries. 

 

There are plenty of other, positive personality traits that have moved on (not been completely re-written!).

 

What I find helpful, is to bear in mind that there wasn’t a sudden shift from Phil v1.0 to Phil v2.0. Our personalities develop over the years. Certainly, so far as the kind of things discussed here are concerned, maybe it was more like a shift from Phil v1.12 to Phil v2.0. Yes, a pretty big change, hence “2” rather than “1”. But things change from time to time, anyway. As I’ve said before, I continue upon a survivor’s journey, and am not the same as I was, immediately after the accident. Maybe we are now up to v2.1 or beyond! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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